Unpretentiously Luxurious

As I mentioned earlier certain value systems involving luxury and how it should be enjoyed befuddle me. Pet resorts, pedicures, big cars, big televisions, silk, suede, Icelandic wool, espresso machines for the home, marble desks for the office, beef that came all the way from Japan, there is no end to my misunderstanding. This has always been the case, for most shows of extensive wealth reliably inspire in me the sort of amusement a child feels upon watching one puppet hit another puppet on the head. In turn, I was able to join the rest of the world in thinking that solid gold toilets are very silly.Recently my major responsibilities have been taking care of my family's seven pets - no fish, no turtles, five cats and two large dogs. Feeding the dogs often involves cooking ground beef, which conjures a smell I'm not used to, and all of the animals require that I manage their waste. The cats shit in a bin beneath the jungle gym of their big cube cat house on the balcony (entrance through a small door in the window) and the dogs shit in the grass in front of houses. Every few days the cats' bin gets emptied into a garbage bag and the garbage bag is dropped down the garbage shoot near the elevator. Every few hours I trail the dogs and wait for them to shit; I had never cared about flies walking on my food but when I see how quickly three of them will land on a log of fresh dog shit I really start to feel embarrassed. I reach down to pick up dog shit with a biodegradable mini-bag over my hand and the flies disappear. Through the bag I can feel how warm the shit is and think about how warm the inside of the dogs' bodies are. Then I consider how warm human shit must be. Dog bodies are 3 degrees warmer than human bodies, but that temperature difference is difficult to feel with a covered hand. I have never touched human shit because when I need to shit I go into privacy and lounge in an armless, porcelain easy chair. My shit is dropped into a bowl of cold water and then removed from sight through pipes and deposited on Staten Island.

Not all humans have the same shitting experience, but most Americans do. If most Americans had to crouch with their legs spread open every time they needed to shit, they would probably be more agile and have nicer calves. In the scheme of things the "American standard" is actually quite luxurious. For this reason, solid gold toilets seem like a natural improvement in the face of extensive wealth.
Reviews for the solid gold toilet:

"We've never seen anything like this before. When you see it for the first time, it's like the most beautiful thing....the most, most beautiful thing." -Anon

"What I mean is, wouldn't it be better if the toilet was open and each person could shut the door and use it -- could sit down and really feel what it's like?" -Gao Qingyin

"What the hell happens on a $35,000 toilet that makes it so special? While you're sitting on it, does it magically transport you to the Maldives?" -Matt Littman

Best of Showpaper

Today marks the release of the 60th issue of Showpaper, the free, heavenly, every-other-weekly single-sheet of newsprint that lists affordable, all-ages shows on one side and features images by high-and-rising artists on the other. It's gorgeous, impressive, and easy to love. When I reference it, as I do now, my chest heats up as though I'm Showpaper's proud third-grade teacher or long-term cleaning lady - a memorable helper but certainly not the parent. (Actual daddies include Joe Ahearn, Edan Wilbur, and Todd Patrick.)

Over the past 30 months I've held a handful of responsibilities for Showpaper, but none so regularly as horoscope writer. I pitched the horoscopes as a secondary supplement to the "I Saw You" missed connection section, for which I would write short, raunchy things about real musicians and showgoers in txt msg language. The relevance of horoscopes, I reasoned, would come when I'd "predict" a zodiac sign's Lucky Show - a show that appeared within Showpaper's listings - which was lifted from Seventeen Magazine's recommendation of a lucky color to wear during an upcoming month.
Sick-azz layouts by Miss Maggie Matela.
Showpaper is not available online and only modest jpegs of the issues' art are documented in the publication's MySpace. I've decided to take this holiday as an opportunity to post some of my favorite Showpaper covers of Showpapers past, and old horoscopes that I still think are funny.


ISSUE 2
by Ben Jones
















ISSUE 8
by Chris Johanson

















ISSUE 10
Scorpio

For Scorpio, opportunity periods for personal gain occur October 1 – 5, so keep your eyes down. Someone’s bound to have dropped a dimebag.

Most Compatible: with Libra
Lucky Show: Magik Markers @ Death By Audio


ISSUE 11
by Sumi Ink Club (Sarah Rara and Luke Fischbeck aka Lucky Dragons)















ISSUE 12
Leo

While all of your friends are dressing as sexy nurses and sexy devils this Halloween, try a more creative get-up. Tie your ankle to your thigh, string on a camouflage bikini, and voilà: sexy Vietnam Vet.

Most Compatible: with Pisces
Lucky Show: Lollipop Factory @ Cake Shop

Capricorn

When you’re in the moment you have trouble remembering the 8 New Tantalizing Ways To Make His Toes Curl that you learned from the cover story of October’s Cosmo. It’s O.K. They’re all made up on-the-spot by interns who never score it with anybody.

Most Compatible: with Leo
Lucky Show: Pit Er Pat @ Silent Barn


ISSUE 14
Virgo

You, or a woman close to you, are going to have a pregnancy scare. Either way, you should not be too concerned. With the way you kids drink there’s really no way a baby would survive.

Most Compatible: with Capricorn
Lucky Show: Endless Mike And The Beagle Club @ Sealab187

Sagittarius
As Mars passes Saturn and Venus to join Uranus, you contemplate anal sex within your long-term relationship. Most of the rumors about what it does to your body are false so don’t worry too much about taking the brown line. Just make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons, not the Catholic ones.

Most Compatible: with Leo
Lucky Show: The Shrimps @ Vox Pop


ISSUE 15
by David Horvitz










ISSUE 16
Aries

Because your actions are governed by your instincts during this Horoscopic period, you may be prone to eating meat if you are currently a vegetarian, eating cheese if you are a vegan, or eating the genitals of a person you’ve always considered a close friend.

Most Compatible: with Aquarius
Lucky Show: Dean & Britta @ Maxwell's

Gemini

A woman on the street will offer you a psychic reading for $5 (and then offer you tea candles and some clean rocks to take home for another $15). Politely turn it down. You already receive broad, inaccurate advice for free.
Most Compatible: with Gemini
Lucky Show: Zaimph @ Silent Barn

Libra

This month, no means yes.

Most Compatible: with Pisces
Lucky Show: Hatebreed @ Toad’s Place

Aquarius

You like yourself just the way you are but the New Year is coming. Abstain from cigarettes for the rest of the month, so when it’s 2008, your New Year’s Resolution can be to start smoking.

Most Compatible: with Leo
Lucky Show: Bee’s Nest @ Zebulon


ISSUE 18
Gemini

You're romantically involved with half of a set of twins, and the other half is getting pissed off. Time to crack open a Budweiser and start living single, seeing double, and sleeping triple.

Most Compatible: with Aquarius
Lucky Show: These Are Powers @ Uniondocs


ISSUE 21
by Peter Edwards (Casper Electronics)













ISSUE SxSW #1
by PFFR (Wonder Showzen)















ISSUE 23
Taurus

Something that happened in March will be vastly improved in April. It may be career-related, or the status of a romantic relationship, but it's probably a rash around your groin that will go from raised and red to clean, clear, and under control.

Most Compatible: with Virgo

Lucky Show: Black Pus @ SUNY Purchase

Pisces

Your significant other will be drag you to the music show of a band you consider embarrassing. Just find the bar and nod your head rhythmically because that's what love is. Later, bring her or him to see the Pharmacy.

Most Compatible: with Aries
Lucky Show: The Pharmacy @ Market Hotel


ISSUE 26
Aries

It's time for you to fuck with some gender roles, by which I mean adhere to them. If you're a female, attempt a domesticated act, like a nice apricot shortbread. If you're a male, spend the next week trying to land a threesome. Sometimes we all need to be reminded why we lead an alternative lifestyle.

Most Compatible: with Cancer

Lucky Show: In The Distance: A Light! @ SUNY Purchase

Cancer

You are likely to be shipwrecked/stranded after a plane crash soon, so definitely wane yourself off of being too pampered. Otherwise the absence of 'product' will leave you haggard from withdrawal when the strong, all-American coast guarders come to rescue you.

Most Compatible: with Scorpio

Lucky Show: BunnyBrains @ The Ontological Theater


ISSUE 27
by Emilie Halpern











ISSUE 28
Scorpio

The weather is so nice now that there isn't any reason for you to be getting in internet fights.

Most Compatible: with Pisces
Lucky Show: Lucky Dragons @ East River Amphitheater

Sagittarius

Your receding hairline is making you self-conscious and you've been thinking about buzzing your scalp. Definitely don't. Heads are lumpy, veiny things that God wants us to keep covered with hair and yalmulkas. The confidence you'd exude by allowing your forehead expand while secretly taking restoration medication is way more attractive. Supplemented by a display of chest hair is also a good look.

Most Compatible: with Aquarius
Lucky Show: Martha Wainwright @ Joe's Pub


ISSUE 30
by Raymond Pettibon

Leo

The only thing worse than having dirty, dreaded hair and bacne and crusted alternative piercings is having dirty, dreaded hair and bacne and crusted alternative piercings while buying UTI medicine. Remember that.

Most Compatible: with Pisces
Lucky Show: Zs @ Zebulon


ISSUE 31
by Maya Hayuk

Scorpio

Nothing masks ugliness like a pretty sun dress.

Most Compatible: with Scorpio
Lucky Show: Psychothriller @ Death By Audio

Capricorn

You're destined for really great things, so discontinue getting so wasted that you sweet-talk 12-year-old boys or mistakenly urinate in embarrassing places. It's the kind of behavior that resurfaces in a big way when you're big.

Most Compatible: with Aquarius
Lucky Show: Akron/Family @ Castle Clinton


ISSUE 32
Aries

You, or someone close to you, have a mouse problem in your extremely humble abode. If you've decided to lay down traps, use the cartoony metal ones that snap, which in reality break the mouse's neck. If you use the adhesive mouse traps, you'll avoid mouse blood shed, but only because the mouse will be alive for 2+ days, squeaking and writhing about until you feel so terrible that you grease up a pair of rubber
gloves and slide the mouse off of the trap. At which point it will wriggle free and run back under your stove and return to being a problem.

Most Compatible: with Cancer
Lucky Show: Artanker Convoy @ Death By Audio

Cancer

Riding a mountain bike is great! They're a little clunky and kinda heavy, but they have breaks and traction and all the other things you need to survive. That's why there are never any white mountain bikes attached to the sidewalk.

Most Compatible: with Capricorn
Lucky Show: Artanker Convoy @ Death By Audio

Leo

You live across the street from a Pentecostal Church (which is essentially in an apartment building) and early on Sunday mornings you can hear someone on a megaphone singing, changing the lyrics from, "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands" to "If you love el nino Jesus then you're saved." Get all your weekend drinking done on Friday so you can make Saturday your day of rest.

Most Compatible: with Libra
Lucky Show: Artanker Convoy @ Death By Audio

Scorpio

It can still be TMI even if what you're saying isn't off-color. Like if you recount how many hours you slept when nobody asks. Or you romanticize your hometown and upbringing when nobody asks. Or you announce that you need to urinate when nobody asks. Sometimes any information is too much information.

Most Compatible: with Aquarius
Lucky Show: Artanker Convoy @ Death By Audio

Capricorn

The nicest guy a girl knows is her dad, and a mom is the best lady to come home to. So there's nothing wrong with getting Oedipal.

Most Compatible: with Aries
Lucky Show: Artanker Convoy @ Death By Audio


ISSUE 33
Gemini

You've felt nervous in your neighborhood, concerned that it may be dangerous, but never fear. Even if you get shot in the face, modern medicine can still revive you.

Most Compatible: with Gemini
Lucky Show: Terror Cathode Secretion @ Silent Barn

Scorpio

Before they're taken off the market, buy Sparks every time you resort to deli drinks. Soon you'll have to return to the efforts of scoring coke.

Most Compatible: with Scorpio
Lucky Show: Aesop Rock @ Toad's Place

Capricorn

Don't blog unless you're really funny and go on a lot of adventures. If you're taking pictures of your dinner and posting stories about things that made you smile, you're poisoning the blogosphere.

Most Compatible: with Capricorn
Lucky Show: Dirty Projectors @ South Street Seaport


ISSUE 34
Taurus

Don't go on WebMD and try to self-diagnose your minor aches and chafes because it's going to give you anxiety and anxiety causes cancer.

Most Compatible: with Pisces
Lucky Show: Zeke Healy @ The Errant Garrison

Cancer

Everyone at Welcome To The Johnson's is old and everyone at 151 is foreign and all the art at Gallery Bar is whack and all the drinks at the Macando taste like mud and all the bands that play in the Lower East Side are cheesy and all the people who go to see them are ugly and all of this has finally come to your realization this summer. Head east, young man. Brooklyn welcomes you.

Most Compatible: with Virgo
Lucky Show: Dark Dark Dark @ Zebulon

Sagittarius

Take advantage of 24-hour retailers like Duane Reade and the Apple store that looks like a cube. When China takes over and everything's communist, all of the stores will have to close at the same time.

Most Compatible: with Scorpio
Lucky Show: Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players @ Bowery Poetry Club


ISSUE 35
Aries

Even though it's meatless jerky, you should eat it as though it's beef/ostrich jerky: not in public.

Most Compatible: with Taurus
Lucky Show: Free Blood @ Market Hotel

Sagittarius

You didn't buy the shirt that read, "I survived the blackout of 2003," that summer so long ago but you wish you had and it haunts you still. The closest you can get to righting this wrong is to buy one of those shirts with Obama giving a 'pound' to Malcolm X; you will still like it in 5 years.

Most Compatible: with Capricorn
Lucky Show: Awesome Color @ Terrace Club


ISSUE 37
Scorpio

Just because it's almost possible to make direct eye-contact when videochatting doesn't mean you should maintain an LDR [Long Distance Relationship]. Videochat cybersex is never as good as actually getting your dick wet.

Most Compatible: with West Indian
Lucky Show: Man Man @ Heirloom Arts Center

Capricorn

You read a 33 1/3 book on a band you have always liked and know a lot about and it was a great disappointment for you; maybe it was poorly written with corny jokes, maybe you didn't learn enough secrets about Stephen Merritt, but either way you swore the whole series off. Problem is, you've gone about those books the wrong way - choose them for the writer, not the subject. Sure you like Unknown Pleasures, but
who the fuck is author Chris Ott [christopherott.com]? Get the 33 1/3 book John Darnielle wrote about Black Sabbath [from the view of an institutionalized 15 year old]; it'll be 99.9% enriching.

Most Compatible: with Polish
Lucky Show: Daniel Carter @ Zebulon


ISSUE 38
by Aurel Schmidt

Aries

It's easy to make new friends but it's hard to make new friends who don't have a boring history of substance abuse that they like to make reference to.

Most Compatible: with Aquarius

Lucky Show: Marnie Stern @ Smog Garage

Cancer

If American Apparel says they're doing an open call for models, they're fucking kidding. Don't show up in knee high socks and a resume with your picture on it. Also, at 25, the only advertising you have a future in will begin, "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up."

Most Compatible: with Capricorn
Lucky Show: Hercules & Love Affair @ Gibson New York Showroom


ISSUE 39
Aries

You have a popular, American name [Emily, Daniel, Melissa] but unfortunately for you, it's chic in adulthood to have irregular first and last names. Don't try to to jazz yourself up by creating a nickname that sounds like a real, rare name or by using your middle name as an extra three syllables on your first name. Rather than try
to switch teams, simply admit defeat and then do the right thing when you become a parent. Until then, the Lancelots and the Nickodemuses and the Alainas will have everything under control.

Most Compatible: with Pisces
Lucky Show: Busy Bee @ Danbros Studio

Gemini

Don't use "shat" as the past tense of "shit." It always sounds stupid because "shit" isn't a real verb and doesn't warrant a grammatical change. "Took a shit," will suffice for all of your horror stories.

Most Compatible: with Capricorn
Lucky Show: Extra Life @ Issue Project Room

Capricorn

Make some sort of living will wherein you tell your friends NOT to make a Facebook Group about you if you should unexpectedly die. People always write the trashiest comments on those.

Most Compatible: with Gemini
Lucky Show: Eric Hnatow @ Video

Pisces

Persevere! Just because your band's lead vocalist and songwriter died 10 years ago doesn't mean you can't continue playing shows in Connecticut.

Most Compatible: with Aries
Lucky Show: Blind Melon @ Toad's Place


ISSUE 40
Taurus

You, or someone close to you, has begun training for Iron Man 2009. Once a person decides that they will feel no sense of completion until they've biked for 112 miles in a single afternoon and then promptly thrown their bicycle and sprinted another 30 miles, there's really no alternative you can offer. The best you can to do is be supportive and/or avoid yellow swim suits for the three-mile swim in Hawaiian
waters; when sharks confuse the human pelvis with a Twinkie, it sucks for everybody.

Most Compatible: with Aries
Lucky Show: Extra Life @ Zebulon

Libra

You love getting hyper but drinking coffee puts blood in your stool. Fuck with some Yerba maté and you'll be totally jittery, just like old times.

Most Compatible: with Aries
Lucky Show: Hell's Hills @ Paris London West Nile

Scorpio

Stop Googling your boyfriend/girlfriend's ex! Nothing's new!

Most Compatible: with Aries
Lucky Show: Amanda Diva @ Knitting Factory

Aquarius

Drink more water than dairy and you won't get calcium build-ups, which are essentially a set of fake vampire teeth in your throat/vagina.

Most Compatible: with Aries
Lucky Show: Golden Error @ Asterisk


ISSUE 41
Libra

Red Bull DOES contain vitamin b but it's not the kind that blocks anemia and pancreatic cancer. It has the kind that burns holes in your stomach lining and turns your turds chartruese.

Most Compatible: with Sagittarius
Lucky Show: Cale Parks @ Market Hotel

Leo

If you pick up a hitchhiker, don't take it to a motel and fuck it all night long. Otherwise things will get really awkward when you wrongfully accuse it of stealing.

Most Compatible: with Pisces
Lucky Show: The Mae Shi @ Silent Barn

Sagittarius

Your Thanksgiving was rough because your family is insane and it really has you down. Confide in a lover or a trusted friend, but don't express your woes in your AIM Away Message; it just leads acquaintances from your high school to make fun of you.

Most Compatible: with Leo
Lucky Show: Larkin Grimm @ Housing Works

Capricorn

Your significant other is the best you can possibly do, better than what you probably deserve, so stop trying to appear single on Facebook.

Most Compatible: with Scorpio
Lucky Show: Fred Frith @ Knitting Factory


ISSUE 42
Taurus

Your New Year's Resolution should be to stop taking Xanax and Acid at the same time.

Most Compatible: with Aries
Lucky Show: Tyvek @ Market Hotel

Cancer

Your New Year's Resolution should be to go to all of the They're Going To Die Soon concerts in Manhattan. You skipped the Isaac Hayes show over the summer and still haven't forgiven yourself.

Most Compatible: with Capricorn
Lucky Show: Timothy Cushing @ Video

Leo

Someone close to you's New Year's Resolution should be to stop calling you "a little pussy" in front of your friends.

Most Compatible: with Aries
Lucky Show: U.S. Girls @ Death By Audio


ISSUE 45
Aries

You were having weird dreams so you bought a lime green dream catcher and now your whole subconscious portrays you murdering the elderly in their homes which actually look like church of your childhood. Essentially, the Native Americans have cursed you for putting a "fun" spin on their heritage. If you really care about your psyche then toss that shit but definitely keep it up if you often have guests; it sounds awesome.

Most Compatible: with
Lucky Show: Showpaper Film Night @ Monster Island

Taurus

Don't flake out on your friends. When you're in some sort of long term domestic situation in a more rural area of the country, you're going to wish there was somewhere to have brunch and someone to talk about cock with.

Most Compatible: with
Lucky Show: Dan Deacon @ Danbro Brewery Warehouse


ISSUE 46
Aries

The smell of weed is not so strong or lingering that you need to use incense or scented candles. Despite their packaging and convincing commercials, they don't smell like violets or recently-baked apple pie - they smell like chemicals.

Valentine: Capricorn
Lucky Show: Psychothriller @ Video

Virgo

Something about your significant other's BFF makes you totally horny. Fight that urge! Plenty of other disassociated fish that you can cheat with in the sea.

Valentine: Pisces
Lucky Show: Iran @ Death By Audio

Libra

You're pregnant and you're excited to be a young parent. Similarly, you're making the biggest mistake of your life.

Valentine: Gemini
Lucky Show: These Are Powers @ Other Music

Scorpio

Unfortunately, your balance is not very good so you probably shouldn't try to catch tags on bridges. No one wants to see you Saturday Night Fever it.

Valentine: Taurus
Lucky Show: High Places @ New Museum

Sagittarius

Don't invite your drunko roommates out; once one person you're with hits the bouncer, everyone's getting in the cop car.

Valentine: Cancer
Lucky Show: The Paris-Maine Crossing


ISSUE 47
Aries

Your March will come in like a lion. Consider hard alcohol the chair and whip with which to tame it.

Most Compatible: with Taurus
Lucky Show: Blank Dogs @ The Shank

Taurus

Obsessing over something builds expectations and eventually depreciates the value of the thing. Essentially, your jealous girlfriend is making you look bad.

Most Compatible: with Scorpio
Lucky Show: Red Dawn II @ Death By Audio

Gemini

A girl not-super-close to you is in prison and you're wondering if you should write to her. Would she want to hear from you, you wonder, or would it be mortifying? If you think about it, you'll realize that of course she would like a penpal. Plus, she'll be getting letters postmarked from New York City - she'll be the coolest girl on the cell block!

Most Compatible: with Pisces
Lucky Show: Hipster Holocaust @ ABC No Rio

Virgo

Candlelight, soft music, carpeting made of bear hide - try fucking next to these things. It really does make it better!

Most Compatible: with Capricorn
Lucky Show: Jana Hunter @ Market Hotel


ISSUE 48
by Shoboshobo

Aries

You want white shoes but you don't want to look like a geriatric visiting Disney World. Buy them and wear them as your only shoes on a trip through the wilderness. Dirty white shoes look so dope!

Most Compatible: with Aquarius
Lucky Show: U.S. Girls @ The Stood

Gemini

Why pluck your eyebrows when you can shave them!

Most Compatible: with Virgo
Lucky Show: Human Host @ Wrench In The Works


Cancer

It's customary to put makeup on your hickeys to cover them up so it's probably for the best if you conceal that black eye, especially when your boyfriend gave you that bruise, too.

Most Compatible: with Capricorn
Lucky Show: Team Robespierre @ The Shank

Capricorn

Being bald with a mustache is cool and gay. Being bald with a beard sends the message that you Could grow scalp hair if you wanted and Choose to be bald; and people hate to be lied to.
Most Compatible: with Cancer
Lucky Show: Knyfe Hyts @ Knitting Factory


ISSUE SXSW #2
Sagittarius

Don't try to scare people with your gun; they'll take it away and hurt you.

Most Compatible: with Gemini
Lucky Show: Jeremy Jay @ Mohawk

Aquarius

On the next Saturday that you want to get up on the bar for some yippie yo kay-raoke, make sure to remove your boots first. Otherwise you're sure to slip on some lemon water and be a Dead-Neck Woman.

Most Compatible: with Cancer
Lucky Show: Nite Jewel @ Quack's Bakery

Pisces

You play in a band with your friends but everytime you perform you get so nervous that you sweat like a virgin at a prison rodeo. Use it as an excuse to take off your shirt! Fastest way to get fans.

Most Compatible: with Virgo
Lucky Show: Dirty Projectors @ Ms Bea's


ISSUE 49
Cancer

Your significant other's mother's birthday is coming up but you don't know what to get her. Don't settle for a nice hand cream or a silk scarf or a gift certificate to a spa. Instead get her something you'd want for yourself - like a frog-skin coin purse - so she gets a better feel for what kind of colorful kid you really are.

Most Compatible: with Cancer
Lucky Show: DJ Dog Dick @ Silent Barn

Scorpio

Peep toe boots are so you!

Most Compatible: with Scorpio
Lucky Show: Growing @ Monster Island Basement

Capricorn

You want to get back together with your exes but so far they haven't been trying very hard. Text them late at night when you're shitfaced

Most Compatible: with Capricorn
Lucky Show: Xiu Xiu @ Monkeytown


ISSUE 50
Gemini

"Cold turkey" is a term invented by tobacco companies and nicotine patch distributors and the people who were in the process of developing e-cigarettes as a way of scaring mothers-to-be into thinking that quitting an addiction is hard. In reality, it's the only way to quit smoking.

Most Compatible: with Aries
Lucky Show: Boo And Boo Too @ Death By Audio

Virgo

You wear deodorant so often, slathering it on every day that you skip showering, so when you finally do wash yourself and your armpits are momentarily uncovered, they tingle and burn, as if asking you, "Who am I? Who am I Now? Who am I TO YOU?" Cool it on the deodorant; it's going to give you pit cancer.

Most Compatible: with Aries
Lucky Show: The Brothers Peeesseye @ Paris London West Nile


ISSUE 51
Aries

Not all of your friends are crazy. Plenty are dumb.

Most Compatible: with Taurus
Lucky Show: Quintron @ Market Hotel

Taurus

People actually DO like hearing about your dreams, but only if they're exceptionally violent and if your re-telling is the length of the actual dream [10 - 20 seconds].

Most Compatible: with Gemini
Lucky Show: Despot @ Terminal 5

Gemini

You've only had sex with two woman in the past three years, one of which is your girlfriend and the other with whom you still have contact. However, neither have any pink bumps like you do. There are small pink bumps around the shaft of your penis, not on it, but in the pubic hair area at the base of it. They don't really itch and are about the size of a pimple. There is also a larger bump that resembles a mole in the outer area of your pubic hair. Only, it too is pink. None of these are painful but you would like to find out what is going privately via WikiAnswers. Unfortunately, it'll be a waste of your time. Every response you'll get will be, "See a doctor," and your post may be copied and pasted elsewhere as a joke.

Most Compatible: with Cancer
Lucky Show: Black Feelings @ Silent Barn

Leo

Sharing an eating disorder with a significant other will keep you two together with the adhesive strength of a hard duo-drug addiction.

Most Compatible: with Virgo
Lucky Show: Black Pus @ Death By Audio

Libra

Obviously you're going to get hit on in the supermarket at 9pm if you're buying rice cakes. You look so desperate!

Most Compatible: with Scorpio
Lucky Show: John Zorn @ The Stone

Capricorn

If you give a feral kitty a cookie it might just break into your plastic bag.

Most Compatible: with Aquarius
Lucky Show: Anamanaguchi @ The Stephens Institute of Technology

Aquarius

A lofted bed may free up some floorspace but when you experience the full reduction of fun from your sex life, what went up will come down.

Most Compatible: with Pisces
Lucky Show: Michael Jordan @ Eclectic House


ISSUE 52
Taurus

Actually, your opinions and detailed personal life become Less interesting once you've had 4 drinks.

Most Compatible: with Cancer
Lucky Show: USAISAMONSTER @ Market Hotel

Cancer

It must be summer because the days are long and your ex-girlfriend is fucking some of your friends again.

Most Compatible: with Virgo
Lucky Show: Chamber music from Romania @ Paris London West Nile

Libra

You may be a vicious asshole but you're no sociopath; sociopaths are marred by a more conventional appearance.

Most Compatible: with Sagittarius
Lucky Show: Drown The Swim Team @ The Saint

Sagittarius

You'd like to throw a horror-themed dress-up party because it's a good excuse to make red, highly-alcoholic drinks. Definitely fill your event with costumed werewolves, rather than zombies or vampires; the undead make everything too bourgeois.

Most Compatible: with Aquarius
Lucky Show: Turbosleeze @ Westpac Space

Capricorn

Don't play chess with Death; Death wins against the computer all the time.

Most Compatible: with Pisces
Lucky Show: Defiance, Ohio @ Death By Audio

Pisces

The best way to wear a little extra weight is naked, hairy, and drenched in old sweat.

Most Compatible: with Taurus
Lucky Show: We Are The Seahorses @ Asbury Lanes


ISSUE 53
Aries

Donate the clothing you don't want to wear anymore. The only things you should sell are your soiled panties on Craigslist.

Most Compatible: with Capricorn
Lucky Show: Brendan Fowler @ Knitting Factory

Taurus

The nice thing about living on the fifth floor of a walk-up is that you get your farts for the day over-with in privacy.

Most Compatible: with Leo
Lucky Show: So So Glos @ Market Hotel

Cancer

You or someone you're intimate with is too large for the average ribbed or scented condoms, which is as inconvenient as having too much weed on a Friday.

Most Compatible: with Pisces
Lucky Show: Anamanaguchi @ Death By Audio

Virgo

Disconnecting without ejecting doesn't harm your device That much.

Most Compatible: with Sagittarius
Lucky Show: Jessica Rylan @ Issue Project Room

Scorpio

It doesn't take ESP to feel that everybody hates you.

Most Compatible: with Taurus
Lucky Show: Quiet Hooves @ Market Hotel


ISSUE 54
Taurus

You can´t run away from your problems. You could if they had a knife but in most instances your problems have a gun and can fly.

Most Compatible: with Aquarius
Lucky Show: The Fly Girlz @ Shea Stadium

Cancer

All the weird, technically-legal plant extracts that you can score at head shops are just weak versions of a real street drug. Skip that shit and support your local dealer.

Most Compatible: with Aries
Lucky Show: the tribute to Pete Seeger @ Pier A Park

Leo

If you wear Hawaiian shirts, Wranglers and deck shoes, you´ll make all the girls want to go shoop.

Most Compatible: with Pisces
Lucky Show: Le Rug @ Meatlocker

Virgo

If you don´t like a genre of music, try listening to what is considered a bad example of the sound, i.e. a reggae compilation that Rastafarians hate. You´ll probably like it.

Most Compatible: with Aquarius
Lucky Show: BARR @ New Museum

Sagittarius

No matter how thick your leggings are strangers are still going to envision your vagina.

Most Compatible: with Leo
Lucky Show: Gay Beast @ Market Hotel


ISSUE 55
by Seripop

Aries

Remember not to run from the police; take the bus from the police.

Most Compatible: with Pisces
Lucky Show: 311 @ Rumsey Playfield




Virgo

Remember that nobody cares about your unemployment.

Most Compatible: with Cancer
Lucky Show: Blues Control @ Goodbye Blue Monday

Capricorn

Remember to delete your childhood Livejournal.

Most Compatible: with Leo
Lucky Show: No Bunny @ Death By Audio


ISSUE 56
Cancer

You really want to call your pot delivery boy but you only have $5. Don't do it. A nickle bag would only be a key bump of weed.

Most Compatible: with Leo
Lucky Show: Cerebral Ballzy @ Lit Fuse Cyclery

Libra

Squatting over a sheet of paper and dripping period blood onto it in an ornamental fashion Does constitute as art.

Most Compatible: with Scorpio
Lucky Show: Religious Girls @ Death By Audio

Scorpio

You want the $80 Ed Hardy bra with the rhinestone tiger head across the front but irony ends at $11.50.

Most Compatible: with Libra
Lucky Show: caUSE co-MOTION! @ 979 Broadway

Sagittarius

It's okay to judge a band by its name.

Most Compatible: with Scorpio
Lucky Show: Jay Reatard @ Stuy Town Oval


ISSUE 58
Aries

Next time try not to say, "You can thank HELL for little girls," in front of the American Girl Cafe.

Most Compatible: with Cancer
Lucky Show: These Are Powers @ X-Initiative

Gemini

You live with your significant other and the motherfucker will Not leave the apartment. They don't have a job, eat all of your food, and then call their parents in LI/CT/NJ to tell them that they're doing 'em proud. Unless they're really doing you something salacious, definitely kick 'em to the suburb.

Most Compatible: with Capricorn
Lucky Show: Harry Merry @ Silent Barn

Libra

You hooked up with your friend and you both consider it a mistake. Just pretend it never happened and your lives will go on as though it never did. Awkwardness is just a trick of the mind!!!

Most Compatible: with Cancer
Lucky Show: Blues Control @ Cinders

Sagittarius

Chances are your mother Had told you not to talk to or fuck sunburned homeless beach bums.

Most Compatible: with Capricorn
Lucky Show: Gang Gang Dance @ Prospect Park

Capricorn

Someone you don't know that well has a disease and frequently updates about it on Facebook. Send him or her quotes about strength and healing in a message so that it doesn't show up on the news feed.

Most Compatible: with Cancer
Lucky Show: Laurie Anderson @ The Stone

Aquarius

Don't go back to your hometown. It'll always be there, festering with sad opportunities and broken people, and reminding you of where its high suicide rate is coming from.

Most Compatible: with Aries
Lucky Show: So So Glos Music Video Premiere @ Silent Barn


ISSUE 59
Leo

Sex on the beach sounds cool except for the ass-sand, but the real problem is appearing like a pair of disgusting monsters soiling the scene to the people having bonfires and playing acoustic ABBA covers.

Most Compatible: with Libra
Lucky Show: Das Racist @ The Bell House

Aquarius

If your friends see homeless people and are instantly reminded of you, it's probably not be because of your body odor; it's due more to your Eeyore sweatshirts and tendency to use plastic bags as shoes.

Most Compatible: with Gemini
Lucky Show: Ava Luna @ Silent Barn

Pisces

Don't heckle policemen when they show up to the party. They usually leave after not too long, plus they know you ain't gonna hurt nobody and that you're just dancin' y'all.

Most Compatible: with Leo
Lucky Show: Juiceboxxx @ 979 Broadway


ISSUE 60
Aries/Cancer/Scorpio/Pisces

You or someone close to you thinks samplings of new horoscopes from Showpaper will be available online, but it actually goes against everything Showpaper believes in. Close the computer, take life to the streets, and pick up the new issue at a happenin place near you.

Most Compatible: ??
Lucky Show: TBD

Bad Shirt Idea

I realized on Tuesday while I was drinking vodka-Dews that I vaguely want to make a RUN DMB shirt, but today I found out that the pun already exists. It can refer to Dave Matthews Band for idiots (like me) but to most people its a plea for DaMarcus Beasley, American soccer player in Scotland, to hurry it up.

Rock Dove

The real fear in dating musicians - past any notion of predatory groupies or their opportunities to sway toward really hard drugs - is that they'll begin to wish you were a musician, too. Because if they were dating a musician they could watch her play her instrument, her cello, her violin, naked and how great would that be.

Vincent Gallo

Three days ago Atiya and I saw Vincent Gallo play music at the Coronet. He was crouched on the floor so we could see his dreamy-ass boxer briefs, switching between guitar and bass and then looping them. He jammed with two guys who were adding slow, percussive compliments with clanging effects. As they played on the three would -synch- and it was serene and pleasant. Afterward there was an intermission and then Sean Lennon and his girlfriend played music from their new band.

The audience was, as you'd imagine, great looking and very well dressed. One of the two regrets I sustained from the night was that Atiya and I didn't arrive earlier because we could have made friends (and drank more).

My other regret was that I did not have the woman sitting next to me ejected from the theater. I had made an active effort to stop at the theater at 7:05 so I could sit third-row-center, but my neighbor (age: 55) and her husband's seats were slightly more central. Before the performance the staff of the Coronet (a lush, red velvet theater) implored the audience that talking and texting and photography and recording to make ringtones are not allowed at all and that they will be watching for rule-breakers. Ten minutes into Vincent Gallo's set the woman seated next to me began mumbling to her husband regularly and laughing aloud. She paired it with big, animated, outlandish body movements - looking behind her to the right, sitting up high to see the faces of the people in front of her, lashing herself to the left, keeping her flattened hand above her forehead - "looking" for the audience's response. It was stupid and distracting so I caught her eye. Instead of being embarrassed, she crept to my ear and said, "Do you love this?"
"Yes," I instantly replied, "can I have your seat?"
She told me that I couldn't, which I sort of expected, and then actually stayed still for the rest of the performance. She was either trying to understand it, or bizarrely mocking the calm behavior of someone who was "actually" enjoying it.

When intermission started Atiya and I went straight to the bathroom, and the long line formed behind us. While I was in a stall I heard a newly familiar voice whining, "pretentious!" and "a big fuck-you to the audience."

Upon returning to my seat the woman was already back and immediately made eye contact with me.
"You're back," I said.
"Wha?" she clucked.
"You're back. I'm surprised."
"Let me ask you, let me ask you - what did you like about that?"
"It's the kind of music I like."
"What kind of music is it?"
"Experimental music."
"Experimental music?" It was akin to chatting with an aggressive, judgmental, middle-aged parrot. "What does that mean?"
"It means they're experimenting and trying new things with sound. It's a genre of music."
"So it's like jazz?"
Yup.
"O.K. O.K. So does that mean there are other places where you can see this type of music?"
Yup.
"Name some."
"Pehrspace, the Smell, Echo Curio-" I dislike being on trial when I'm right so I asked her, "What kind of music do you like?"
"Let me ask you-"
"What was the last show you went to?"
"What?"
"CONCERT. What was the last concert you saw?"
"Don't try to turn this on me."
"Why not?"
"Don't you think this is the kind of music you could make in the basement with your friends after a few joints?"
Nope.
"Didn't you think the whole thing was just pretentious?"
No. Pretentious is the adjective of people who feel left out based on their mental inferiority and inability to locate educational resources. I wasn't begging the woman to explain Julie & Julia so I could attack and torture her.
"Didn't you think [Vincent Gallo's] turning-his-back on the audience was a big Fuck You to the audience?"
Nope. "Just because he's famous doesn't mean he has to act like a rock star."
"Oh so it's about the FAME, I get it."
"NO!" You deaf hag!
"So you thought that drummer was keeping a good beat?"
"Yes. They were creating two separate beats that correlated but didn't match."
"They make disconnected connections," Atiya addded in, also annoyed her attention was being pooled into this.
"A disconnected connection," the woman repeated to herself. "That's interesting." It wasn't interesting. None of it was interesting. The lights went out for Sean Lennon to begin, and people started clapping and I couldn't hear anything, and the woman tried to continue our debate so I, like so many times before, told her "No."

For about 70 seconds I thought the Sean Lennon set was going to be great. He was sitting in a chair with a wa-wa pedal, playing licks while an extremely thin woman played an old piano on the far left of the stage. It sounded really good. After those 70 seconds the woman left the piano and sat next to Sean Lennon and put a tambourine in her lap. It then became apparent that they were both chewing gum.

I was surprisingly in a lot of pain during Sean Lennon's set. He and his model girlfriend made annoying banter, including jokes about chewing gum and an extensive background of every song, and then played boring folk with corny, faux-literary lyrics. The woman-next-to-me and her husband loved it. They cheered hysterically and she cackled after every anecdote. Sean Lennon and his girlfriend called up an unrehearsed drummer who proceeded to play a slow di-dah with rough, fifth-grader's-first-kit form. I prayed for sleep but sleep would not come.

When it was finally over I stood up and hovered over the woman seated third-row-perfectly-center.
"I didn't like that," I easily admitted to her. "But you didn't know! So next time you go to a show and YOU don't like it, follow MY example."
I turned around and exited the aisle. "What did you like about it?" she shouted after me. "You didn't like it?" She had run after me and put her hand on my shoulder so I walked faster and then rolled my shoulder toward my chest. "Wasn't that engaging?"
I flipped around. "I don't need to be engaged, I have a boyfriend." And then I weaved away and left the theater.

I don't really know what I meant by my last comment, but I really don't understand the person who feels a connection or an ability to relate to, who feels they more easily have a friend in the son of a Beatle and his model girlfriend than a man who got to the stage solely by his art. And I think if we were stoned in a basement, my boyfriend and I could probably make the music of the former - but I'd need to lose a little weight first.

Owen

chudbabies (10:38:37 PM): I almost had a faux paus in my thank you letter to the deaf guy

chudbabies (10:38:41 PM): I almost wrote

chudbabies (10:39:09 PM): "I really am thankful for everything, and I can't wait to hear from you soon!

chudbabies (10:39:13 PM): Owen thaxton!"

Veela7 (10:40:08 PM): OOOOOOOOOOPZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Veela7 (10:40:15 PM): lulli

chudbabies (10:40:35 PM): yeah, that was a close one

chudbabies (10:40:47 PM): thank god college taught me to proofread

Spending Time With My Dad

New Bag: FINALLY

I've wanted (to make?) this bag for a really long time, probably since my last trip to Disney World or the Roosevelt Field Mall. Somewhere I saw an elderly woman with a handbag that displayed pictures of toddlers and one high schooler in a suit on the outside of it. I don't have grandchildren or printed pictures of anyone else I know, and if I had either I wouldn't care enough to brag about them on a tote.

However I did have big plans so I searched high and low in a frames store near our apartment for a photo-display bag. When they didn't have one I went online and actually found one - and I don't know if your ready for this nostalgia but it was - on the Oriental Trading website. Oriental Trading, the uncomfortably-named, scout-leading-mom's bible was delivered to most households involuntarily throughout the 1990's. Need an inflatable guitar with flames? Grass table skirts in five colors? How about fortune cookies that quote the Gospel or a potato sack reading, Leap For The Lord? If you'd like 48 packages of Fun Dip for less than $10, I have just the catalog for you!

But now it's online so I ordered a canvas tote bag with plastic pockets. On the website the bag was printed with, Grandma's Love Is Like No Other, which seemed like an insane bonus. When I sent the image of it to Lyle, Lyle said, "Yo my grandma, who I don't even fuck with, had that bag the last time I saw her in Florida."

Atiya and I went to the Fairfax High School swap meet and found a booth that just had shoeboxes filled with pictures. Most of glossies had belonged to dead people, but some of them were just discolored or had fingers in the shot, so they might have been donations from CVS. Atiya collected a bunch of portraits of ugly white couples kissing to hang up in work locker, but I grabbed a bunch with no overriding theme except that all had made me laugh.


Yesterday the photo tote came in the mail but it didn't have any words on it! Oriental Trading had completely forgotten about Grandma's love. The catalog apparently expects me to add my own Grandmother-based or otherwise-appropriate message around the picture slots with multicolored letters that they didn't provide in the box, and I am not interested. There's only so much effort I can funnel into irony before it makes me sick.

Here are some other possible combos including pictures bought from the Fairfax High School swap meet:

OTC Bum Fighter

Chew Shoes

Bold Age

This morning Jenius Jones showed me a fashion blog that beats the -shit- out of my fashion blog. It's called Advanced Style and it documents fly old people. Fly old people are 40% of the reason I'd want to live in Uptown Manhattan and the only reason I'd actually want to grow old (the alternative being to let the cancer take me). The blog recently posted a video of an elderly lady doing incredible karaoke so I'm going to RT it now.

New Bag: LA Fitness

Today I bought a brown, tubular, suede bag from an estate sale on Santa Monica Boulevard. A guy working at the sale remarked, "That bag is just so cool. I just knew someone was going to buy it to keep their yoga mat."
I don't dislike yoga but I haven't done it since Roslyn High School gym with Ms. Jake, and even then it was only a six-week elective. I felt embarrassed so I responded with, "Oh, I was going to keep my gun in it."
"Really," the guy asked cautiously while his smile melted to his chin. Then he nodded.
"No! No. I'm just kidding. I don't have a GUN!" At that point I kind of wish I did own a gun, one that I didn't use or look at, whose nonexistence I could have been lying about at that moment. The guy ran off to his coworkers laughing and re-told them what I'd said.

To clarify, this isn't an online confession of how much I'd like to own a gun because I do not want to own a gun.

Swamp Thing

It would seem that I found my new bicycle in a swamp but I actually bought it from my neighbor. Atiya and I sat on his couch silently, which he had requested through a series of exaggerated gestures, while he loudly consoled a movie director over the phone.
"It's not your vision, you know? You feel pressure to go with them because they're the first to bite, but, you know, if they were so quick to jump on the project they'll still be interested later. If they're not who you want, they're not who you want. I'm working on a project right now, sort of a lower budget thing, and we're in talks with Jerry Stiller, you know, you never know who's gonna be interested."
Atiya and I listened intently and then mouthed jokes about his furniture. To be fair, he had nice armoires and shelving units and an old set of Thesaurus-and-Rhyme-Dictionary, but he also had a small framed poster of The Fountainhead, whose lighthearted end-moral about compromising your morals and artistic drive for the sake of true happiness [by way of cashing-in] contradicted what we were overhearing.

"O.K. girls," he said when he eventually retrieved us. He lead us to his shed, out of which he was selling 20 or 25 old roadsters. Atiya coo-ed at the sight one of the yellow bicycles. "This is a little project I got on the side with my friend Jimmy," he explained.
"Cool, Jimmy," I thought. "I'll bring it up to him next time I see him."
"But yeah," he continued, "I'm pretty sure this is the only bike I have at that price."
The one I'd come for was the cheapest, heaviest, and although not necessarily the oldest, it certainly had the most rust per alumina.

It's a 1973 or 1974 Schwinn Suburban and it rides like its wheels are made out of smooth boulders. At a slight incline, the pedals resist as though I'm riding it out of the swamp for the very first time. Although it's probably dangerous for long distances, it's excellent as a non-stationary exercise machine.

Today I stopped the bike to let a neighbor cross the street in front of me. I'd never seen him before but upon hearing the bicycle stop he remarked, "Quiet bike."
Get it? Get it? It's because the breaks sound like a newborn banshee.

That's Alaina 4 U

I'll always remember Nashville fondly because I was there for two days with Jon and Taub, and on one of the nights we went to a honky tonk and then a Garth Brooks karaoke bar. The city seemed so alive and progressive, especially for its region and in sharp comparison with Memphis. So a few days ago when I read that Nashville has an extremely high violent crime rate I initially didn't understand why. But I get it now.

The Sun!