17 Saved Voice Messages

My cell phone's voicemail message includes a really tiring joke about how I'll return the call that I've just missed "in four days." It actually serves as a warning, excusing myself in advanced for a slackidaisical response time, due partially to an unwarranted reluctance to listen to my answering machine at all.

This behavior is made even less functional because my phone can only hold 3 unheard voicemails. If I listen to a message in full, which in reality is quite rare, and then immediately hang up without pressing any numbers, the voicemail is permanently saved. Over time I've had as many as 19 accidentally-saved voicemails, but in combing through them and choosing favorites, I've narrowed it down to 17. Everytime I have 3 New Voicemails and my Mailbox Is Full, I'm scolded by a severe voice actress and ordered to delete the Stored ones.

From time to time I'll go through the 17 voicemails to see if I've kept an accidental message that I don't really need or like or want in an attempt to delay the necessity to check them - 3 New Messages comes pretty quickly for me. Right now is one of those times, and after entering my password and pressing pound, I still love them like 17 audio children.

1. A thick accent from either a Ming Dynasty or David King employee, saying, "I guess, this is your Chinese food here, we're waiting for you."

2. Jared Chester with my high school friends in the background, saying, "In 3 hours you may be feeling this good. Happy New Year."

3. "Sam Jaffe calling from Purchase Television," with a faux-friendly-detailed-professional accent.

4. Toby calling me and yelling with Billy Hertz and then both of them coughing profusely.

5. Taub called me beccause, "tomorrow, Sunday, May 6th, and you're actually the first person I'm letting to know this, who I'm letting to, this sounds really bad, that I'm coming home. I'll be back early in the morning. We should get together, meet up, bring your friends, I could say Hi to Rocawear, and talk about how we don't really know him." Later in the voicemail he makes fun of Julia for being in Vietnam. I think it was from the start of the summer after Junior year.

6. When I was going out with Rocawear I had once made a plan to meet him on the LIRR. I got to the train late and we decided to meet at the Manhasset train station. During that ride, a drunk yuppie who was eating fried chicken started hitting on me. I thought I had only given him my email address, but I guess gave him my phone number because I wanted him to leave me alone. He apparently fostered a filthy Long Island accent since 2005. He called to say, "Hello, this is Dominic, and I've seen to have gotten your number in my cell phone. Um, [4 second pause] I don't know who you are. I don't know who Lena is. And I was just curious to see who it belongs to."

7. Nini calling in her remarkably slow, breathy voice. "I'm comin, ya know, from Jersey and want to know how to, uh, drive in somewhere, park somewhere. I just wanted to find out, ya know, how to get to your apartment in Brooklyn. And if, ya know, I would be intruding." She's talking about the apartment I had with Jenny on Lorimer two summers ago. I was most-likely canceling plans to see her.

8. My cousin Lucas, probably six years old, who I see or want to see something of myself in. "I was in the Championship baseball game. We came in second place, we didn't win. Love you and miss you and love you. Bye."

9. A call from Julio. The call time was I think 4:35 a.m. "Yo Alaina it's Julio, I know it's like, really early in the morning. But I wanted to see what you're up to at this hour, this ungodly hour. But yeah I'm hanging out, just wanted to see what you're doing. Hit me up."

10. Rocawear crying to Beau about how I'd just been arrested because he hadn't hung up his phone.

11. "Alaina Hi, My name is Brian Sids, I'm calling from a law firm, I was given your number in that you had called in response to a commercial on TV offering to help people who had injured kidneys as a result of having heart surgery."

12. Colby alternating between high-pitched and long, hollow sound effects. I had missed his call because I was at the Parthenon replica in Nashville, TN with Jon and Taub.

13. Colby calling me while driving mail to a post office for an employer. He seemingly forgets that he's leaving a voicemail, slowly narrating what he's driving by, yawning through sentences. He tells me how much he'll be paid for working on the 4th of July, "so you know, you can be happy for me," and then admits to having smoked weed the night before, "but to compensate I've had 3 cups of tea already today, and I plan to have at least 2 more." He ends the voicemail by telling me what street he's turning onto and then says, "And that's what dreams are made of."

14. Colby calling from France via Skype the week before I fly to Paris.

15. Colby calling from France via Skype, incomprehensible.

16. Colby's five-year-old brother Finlay calling me, with Colby telling him half-sentence by half-sentence what to say and then Finlay reciting it.

17. Josh Brown singing, Nobody Knows It But Me by Babyface.